Question: How can I feel that it’s OK to be who I am?
I am a middle class man who used to go in school for wealthy people. My parents own an house for multimillionaires.
Everybody used to think we are wealthy. However, we were middle class. I was ashamed to be poor among my rich friends.
I’ve always felt inadequate. I’ve felt not good enough because I’ve a squint in the right eye. I have a burn in my belly. My brother is disabled. I’ve been abandoned by my mom when I was 6.
I was among the least wealthy students in my school. I hate to be so weak,
I have felt inadequate for 23 years.
I have never been able to like myself because I am stuck with glasses since 6 years old. I was so ugly with glasses for many years. And finally, the attractive glasses came. However, I was still feeling ugly.
I’ve always felt so different among people who don’t need glasses to read well.
I am a middle class man who used to go in school for wealthy people. My parents own an house for multimillionaires. However, we were living like middle class people. We had a big house, but we didn’t live a wealthy lifestyle.
Everybody used to think we are wealthy. However, we were middle class. I was ashamed among my rich friends.
It is not they treated me like an inferior. I treated myself like an inferior to them myself. I know their families have more money than mine.
I live abroad now. However, my experiences in the house I was living before influenced my life.
Let make it simple.
I had a life with many outward appearances. I had rich possessions. I was in many school for wealthy people. However, I didn’t have a lot of money.
I didn’t fit with wealthy people. I didn’t fit with poor people. I didn’t even fit with people in middle class like me. I was a kind of upper middle class. I didn’t know many people like me.
I didn’t really know who I am.
I was a middle class who was in upper class sphere and start apologizing for not being wealthy.
How did I apologize? I apologize by not saying the truth about my family. I apologized by lying about my family’s wealth. I apologized by not being myself. I apologized for being just a middle class by claiming that I am in the upper class.
Outside my family gave an appearance of wealthy people. I was in an expensive private school around children of multimillionaires and my family owns an house who cost a lot. My father built that house. He is an engineer. This house has 6 apartments.
My father rent 5 apartments and live in one.
My own apartment in this house was unfinished. For example, it missed many windows.
We were living in poor condition inside the house, even though outside it was a beautiful house. The most beautiful in the neighborhood.
Since 9 years old, I am depressed. I live with depression for 14 years old. I am 23.
At school, most of the time I have never paid attention. They put me out of class many times because of undone homework.
I found joy in nothing. I was miserable.
I was apologizing for not being wealthy. How did I apologize?
I apologize by lying about how is my apartment and by saying I am wealthy. I couldn’t accept to not be wealthy.
It’s because I was in a private school around wealthy student.
I was depressed for more than that. However, apologizing for who I am was the most important reason.
The root of my depression are the abandonment of my mother when I was 6, being neglected by my father. I was locked at home too. As a good excuse, my father said he was protecting me.
I was in a wealthy school. My father was a businessman, but he have never took care of his own apartment. He was in the real estate.
I had to sleep with 3 other people in a small room.
Our apartment had 3 bedrooms. One for him, one for my uncle and a cousin and the third one for my brother, my father’s cousin, her grand-daughter and me.
I was uncomfortable that people know that I don’t even have my own room alone. I was in a room with three people. From 2004 to 2009, I had to share my room with three people. I couldn’t invite my friends at home because I didn’t have my own bedroom.
For everybody, I was a wealthy boy living in a big house. However, my father entertained his other 5 apartments. He cares for the money.
The apartment wherein we live was never finished. Outside, it looks beautiful. Inside, it was just an unfinished house. My father had money to finish it, but he didn’t care.
I felt ashamed of the life I got.
Imagine that a boy who is going to a school for rich people that live in poor condition.
I develop toxic shame and I withdrawn myself.
I was rich and poor at the same time. It’s weird, right?
I was rich because of the school I was, my father’s business, my father’s position in the government.
I was poor because I didn’t have my own room even at 18 years old. The apartment I lived was unfinished and I was ashamed to invite people at home. My father’s car was not attractive as well.
I lived in such a situation. I lived in two world. The wealthy world and a poor world.
Let summarize the situation. My father was a rich man who decide to live in poor conditions.
Socially, everybody knows my family as a wealthy family. However, at home we lived in poor conditions. It wasn’t because we didn’t have the money we pretend to have, but because my father preferred to build new houses instead of finish his own house.
Those are the roots of a miserable life.
I developed an inferiority complex around the wealthy kids in high school. I wasn’t good enough.
I looked wealthy, but I know appearance are not reality. My parents could afford that wealthy school, but they were living poorly at home.
My father had a big house that looks beautiful outside and in 5/6 of his apartments, but our own apartment looked ugly.
Do you understand the dilemma?
It’s like I own a Ferrari, but I have no money to refuel it.
It’s like I have a beautiful house who cost 3.5 millions, but I don’t have money to eat well.
I apologized for not being really wealthy. I apologized for being a middle class student. I apologized for being myself.
How can I be myself without having to apologize for not being wealthy like my friends?
How can I feel adequate like I am? How can I feel it’s OK to be me?
The quality of your thoughts = the quality of your life
You are clearly very focussed on all the negatives of your existence. The result? …You are completely submerged in your ocean of misery.
All you think about is how badly life has treated you. The quality of your thoughts is kicking you strongly in the gut.
If you truly want to feel better about yourself and about life then you must:
- Make a list of all the things in your life that are worthy of appreciation. Regularly read that list and prove to yourself that there are definitely some things in your life to feel gratitude for. Gratitude will make you feel good.
- Train yourself to see the cool and exciting things in your world on a daily basis. Celebrate those good things you find with others. Keep conversations fun and exciting, avoid talking about your misery. This will make you more attractive to the opposite sex. It will gain you more friends.
- Discover what you most enjoy doing in this life that is also productive and helpful to the world in some way. Get better at that thing, become obsessed with it, know you can become brilliant at it. Getting good at something will give you the lift you are missing and help take your mind away from the depressing thoughts. Your self esteem will grow and you will think good thoughts about yourself. You will feel that you have a worthy place in life.
You are not the most disadvantaged person on this planet.
Everyone has their own challenges and fair share of problems. There is nothing special or unusual about your present situation in life. The only thing that would make you unusual is if you become one of those remarkable people who learns to take the positives from their life. It would be remarkable if you focussed on the solutions instead of the problems.
I am living proof that what I say is correct.
I personally suffered a violent drunken mother, Violent step fathers, Sexual abuse, Bullying, poverty, rejection, near death experiences, addiction, eating disorders, Heart failure and much much more. But…..
I gained wisdom from trauma
- Only when you have suffered neglect can you become an expert on care
- Only when you have suffered rejection can you be an expert on acceptance
- Only when you have experienced conflict can you be an expert on peace
- Only when you experience near death can you become an expert on the value of life
- Only when you have suffered addiction can you understand sobriety
- Only when you have suffered depression can you become and expert on happiness management
You have an opportunity to use your experiences in your favour.
But this takes effort. All of it.
You can either stay in your self pity and choose to continue to harbour painful negative thoughts about yourself, Or, you can decide you are better than this and have the intelligence to realise it. Then, put in the effort to actually connect with your positive side and realise that happiness starts with the quality of your thinking. You can be attractive, you can be loved, you can be happy. But….. you have to believe that.
Fact: Change your thinking and you change your mood
Fact: Change your mood positively and you become happier.
Fact: Happy people are very attractive people!
That is the truth. What will you do with it?
I produced a song about this….. check it out… Life is a head game
musical life coach